Permission to forget

You      have permission to forget
You      do not need to hold on
You      do not need to know
 
Thorazine        Perphenazine              Clozapine        Asenapine       Cariprazine
The prazoles and the dones
Melt from mind  and tongue
 
I no longer need to know
No knowing
Not to know
Not to go
Get repeats
Blood tests
Trials
Checks
 
I take my permission
I forget
I wipe clean
I pour water not to sip with meds but to cleanse
From veins                         as all                cascade away
Waterfalls of memories
 
A deluge smashing solid ground
I crumble seeing your stiff form
Death
Your laughter              your love         your soul         becomes water
Flows through sediment
Away
Filtering to a realm I cannot follow
 
My heaving heart
My struggle to breathe
The sound of realities colliding
When you and I were truly in the one room
In stillness
In loss
Your body decaying
Enzymes doing their transformative work
My mind deconstructing
This story
This event
Your touch, so cold, to a hug, a pause, a goodbye
 
The important work of erasing
Useless           names of medications
Useless           words in argument
Useless           hopes that were held close to my heart
Nurtured in my dreams
 
I allow the decomposition of recall
I purposefully forget
Defiantly letting go of medical details
Names            quantities        colours            days taken                   or forgotten
No more judgement
No more measuring
 
I choose to forget  the way that your eyes became a tool
Red, scared, loose, away, with me, volatile, safe, drained, angry
Seeing me, not seeing me, laughing, secretive, judgemental
 
I choose to forget that I quantified you
on the nanosecond of approach
I assessed your mood
Your meds were just one measure
My fear a far greater one

The aim of this project is to share lived experiences of mental health via poetry. Therefore, some of the content may potentially trigger some readers. If you require mental health support or assistance, a list of free confidential 24/7 support lines can be found here. You are not alone in your journey.